


01 What it's like to be loved

by Meiilan



Series: To love and be loved [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games)
Genre: Brother Sebastian AU, Cullen loves two men, Dorian POV, Dorian learns what it means to be loved, Fluff, M/M, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-06
Updated: 2016-01-06
Packaged: 2018-05-12 02:07:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5649745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meiilan/pseuds/Meiilan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dorian loves Cullen and Cullen loves Dorian, but some day Cullen tells Dorian that there's another man he's loving, though his relationship with this man is purely platonic. This man wants to get to know Dorian. The mage is not sure what to think of it, but agrees anyways. It's hard to deny Cullen anything, even if he fears of being just another secret affair in the end. But when the first letter arrives, Dorian learns something new. Something, that he would have never learned, if he had stayed in Tevinter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	01 What it's like to be loved

**Author's Note:**

> I mainly write this fanfic as a treat to myself. It has all the tropes, I like to read, but do not find enough about: Polyamory, Chaste!Sebastian, Sebastian/Cullen and Cullen/Dorian. The story plays in an AU of my personal headcanon that Sebastian would have rather remained with the chantry, than becoming Prince of Starkhaven. In this AU, Sebastian had returned to Starkhaven after the events in Kirkwall and has enlisted as a brother of faith in the local chantry there. He has never given up his vows. He and Cullen had been fallen in love with each other in Kirkwall, but their relationship had remained purely platonic.
> 
> Comments are as always highly encouraged and a great motivator for me.

It had been a little odd at first. To say the least. When Dorian’s friendship with Cullen finally evolved into something more… intimate, the Commander had shared a secret with him.

“I love you”, he had said, as if it was the most natural thing in the world, as if did not cause Dorian’s stomach to do funny backflips and his ingrained Tevene survival instinct scream at him to run a way.

“But not only you”, he had continued, throwing Dorian right back into a maelstrom of confusion and… yes, distrust. He had just been cast aside too often, been the secret lover aside the unsuspecting wife too many times, to not expect this to be just another intro for a breakup. But apparently Cullen had other things on his mind. He had been nervous, but oh-so-sincere in his concern for Dorian’s well-being. That bumbling fool had even held Dorian’s hand tightly in his own while he talked, as if he was afraid, Dorian might truly run.

“It might sound  weird to you, but I’m in a platonic affair with a brother of faith.”

And that is how Dorian learned of Cullen’s long-term lover, whom the commander only kept contact with via letters. Apparently they both took the brother’s vows of chastity very serious and therefore had never shared any more intimacy than holding hands while sitting in a chantry garden. They hadn’t seen each other for years, but still wrote each other as regularly, as it was possible for them.

“Sometimes I only get to answer, after I’ve received his third letter already”, Cullen had admitted sheepishly. But he had told the brother of Dorian. Seemingly had talked at length with him about his feelings for the mage.

“He was glad to read about it.” - “He _was_?”

The disbelieve in Dorian’s voice showed even more on his face. How could he be glad, to hear that his lover, fell in love with someone else? But according to Cullen he was and-

“He wants to talk with you. Not directly. Not yet. He is not capable of visiting Skyhold, at the moment. But he’d like to write you letters, if you’re… okay with this.”

Dorian really didn’t know, what this had all been about. But it seemed so important to Cullen and the mage had already fallen too hard for him to deny him anything, even though the hurtful doubt of being just another secret lover still remained.

That was until the first letter arrived. Not a missive delivered through Cullen, but a legit sealed letter addressed to Dorian and meant for only him to read. He had felt awkward at first, frightened even, afraid of what he may find upon opening the seal. He had brought the letter to Cullen, offered to read it together, but he had declined with that foolishly gentle smile, that made Dorian’s legs go weak.

“I don’t need to read it. It’s between you and him. I love you and trust you, both of you.”

So, in the end Dorian had to read it alone. He wasn’t sure, what he had expected in the letter, a warning maybe, to not steal the commander’s heart, or an inquiry on his intentions. But he certainly did not expect for this man to truly show honest interest in him. The letter was polite, but by far not as impersonal as most of the letters he received from nobles, who claimed to be his friends.

_“[...] First of all, I wish to apologize for not being able to meet you in person. With the chantry in disarray I cannot leave my post, yet. But I’ve read so much about you from Cullen’s letters already, that I am eager to learn more. I do hope my curiosity is in no way offending to you, or putting a strain to your relationship with Cullen. The last thing I wish is for your happiness to be debased by my existence[...]”_

Dorian was not sure, how serious he could take those words. But the rest of the letter seemed friendly enough. He had told of the time Cullen had first met him back in Kirkwall, how it had been difficult to maintain their love under the strict regiment of Meredith, how the violent escalation of the conflicts there had almost broken them apart for good. But he also told him of how worried he had been for Cullen and how much it had come as a relieve when Cullen told him, that he might have fallen in love with Dorian. It were just written words, but for some reason Dorian could not find it in himself to doubt their honesty. And so he replied, against better judgement.

Soon, he was writing back and forth with this man, he had never seen - this man he only knew from Cullen’s words and his own written stories, who seemed to be a humble brother of faith but used expensive parchment and perfumated envelops for his letters, who did not seal them with sunburst crest, but with the crest of Starkhaven and who seemed to _always care_.

Eventually Dorian sees him more as a friend, than a rival in love. Even more so, because Cullen had increased his efforts in showing his love for Dorian ever since. They had long since established a rather intimate love-affair and despite him obviously knowing of it, the brother never seemed to mind. If he ever mentioned it, he sounded more encouraging, than troubled. So some day Dorian decided to write about his issues with his father. He kept the part about attempted blood-magic to himself, though, feeling like this is not something a brother of the chantry should know of. In fact, only Cullen and the Inquisitor knew of it and Dorian was very grateful that they kept it to themselves. So he only wrote about his father’s disapproval of his own sexuality and how they fought over Dorian’s choices in life.

From what he had read of the brother so far, he had expected some words of comfort, maybe even some uplifting reassurance, as was usually the brother’s way of showing how he cared. When he read his reply, however, the mage was surprised how the letter did not spontaneously combust with all the rightful anger written in there. This was a new side of the man for sure. He was not just indignant over Halvard Pavus, he was outright enraged. In flourish word he expressed his disbelief over how little Halvard seemed to care for his own son’s happiness and well-being in his opinion.

Dorian had seen the Inquisitor lose his ever-charming composure in front of Halvard. He had watched Cullen rant on about his depraved ways for an entire hour, but both of them had reacted to the attempted blood-magic. This, however, was different. This man, who had never ever met Dorian Pavus was so angry over Dorian’s father holding the family honor higher than his own son’s personal happiness, that his usually beautiful hand script was shaky and in part almost unreadable. Dorian’s own hands had shook, as he read the letter and before he realized it, he had cried. It was ridiculous, that he was moved to tears by the outrage of a man, he had never met. But it was so important to him - this anger was. This man, this gentle, _caring_ brother of faith was not only being supportive, or even protective towards Dorian. He _understood_. He just understood Dorian’s pain and his father’s true failure and he cared so much, that he could not suppress his feelings.

That was, when Dorian decided, that he wanted to meet this man. He talked with Cullen about it, worried what he might say and was met with such a beaming smile, it almost blinded him. Right. Cullen loved them both. It figures, that he wants them to get along. Dorian briefly wondered, when it had stopped bothering him, that he had to ‘share’ his love with another man, when it had become natural to him. And eventually he decided it didn’t matter. These two men - both in their very own way - made Dorian feel cared for, in a way that it made his chest tighten, just when he thought about it. The question now was not: When did I stop feeling bothered? It was rather: When did I start feeling so loved?

However wanting to meet this man was much easier, than getting it to actually happen. They continued to write to each other and apparently the brother had been trying for a while to get a transfer-permit into Skyhold’s own chapel. But apparently the Revered mother, he was answering to, was still not fully convinced of the Inquisition’s noble cause. And the battle against the Venatori had since increased in its violence.

It was an unfortunate coincidence - or maybe it was fate? - that finally helped along their efforts. Cullen got badly injured during the battle at the Shrine of Dumat and was down with a heavy fever afterwards. The long exposure to all that Red Lyrium there, had worn down the man’s last specs of energy and so he was fighting with dead for three full days, slipping in and out of delirious fever dreams. Dorian had been devastated, constantly fearing that he soon would finally lose the one man, that had truly, honestly love him. Not knowing what to do, he sought solace in the one other man, he knew cared: the brother. He had wrote him a letter, hoping for words of comfort, right on the first day. He was surprised to hear of a visitor arriving four days later, who asked to be brought to Cullen immediately. Unsure what this was about, and a little worried for his beloved well-being Dorian had hurried to Cullen’s room himself.

The commander had still been lying in his bed, sleeping deep, exhausted from his fever. Besides the bed another man - the visitor - had been standing. He was of surprising beauty: His clerical robes fitting his tanned and toned body in a way, that was far too sensual for a chaste brother of faith, the pretty auburn hair carefully combed back and his eyes - those impossibly blue eyes - were fixed worriedly on Cullen’s sweaty face, his hand resting soothingly on the ex-templar’s forehead. Dorian was so transfixed by the sight, that it took him a moment to realize that the brother was praying. He had a pleasantly soft voice, with a foreign accent that caressed Dorian’s ears like velvet, as he spoke the Canticle of Transfigurations. Dorian felt, like he had stumbled unto a very intimate moment, even so all the man was doing, was to pray for Cullen’s health. Still the mage did not dare speak, let alone move, to not interrupt this calm moment of comfort.  
Once the last syllable of the Chant left his lips, the man finally turned towards Dorian and smiled at him. It was a smile, as gentle and humble as his entire bearings, albeit a little insecure.

“Ah’m sorry. Ah didnae mean to intrude upon ye both like ‘at. But when ye wrote me, Ah couldnae bear the worry any longer. Ah jist _had_ to see him.”

That was when it hit him, carefully approaching the other man, Dorian felt an odd lump in his throat.

“You’re him, aren’t you? Cullen’s-”

Before the mage could finish his thought, the brother interrupted him firm, but friendly.

“Ah would prefer eet, if ye would not consider me as _Cullen’s_ . I’m Sebastian Vael, faithful brother of the chantry of Starkhaven. An’ Ah came fur _both_ of ye!”

The lumb in Dorian’s throat grew with every word Sebastian said and when the brother approached him, Dorian felt the strong urge to turn and run out of the room. But he decided to stay. This man had never given him any reason to fear him, let alone be so impolite as to run from a conversation. He deserved to be heard out.

“Why ever would you come here for me? I’m fine! It’s Cullen, who-”  
“Are ye now?”

The question was voiced as gentle as all this brother’s words, but it still managed to hit all the air out of Dorian’s lungs. This man had never seen Dorian before, he had only known the mage from the letters they exchanged, and yet he managed to see right through his facade, in the first few minutes of their first meeting.

“Well, admittedly, worrying for this reckless oaf of a man is a bit tiring, but-... well…”

For the first time, ever since his arrival in Skyhold Dorian was at a loss of words and all Sebastian had to do to for that was to smile gently and _care_ . While the mage still struggled with the right words to readjust his carefree mask, he felt the first salty tears sting in the corner of his eyes. His body had decided to betray him and consider this the right moment to give in under all the pressure, Dorian had been under, ever since Cullen had returned from the Temple of Dumat. And Sebastian, gentle, _caring_ Sebastian did not ridicule him for his weakness, did not tell Dorian to pull himself together. He simply reached out and pulled the mage into his arms, held him while the mage wept quietly into his shoulder.

When Dorian had finally calmed down, pulled away shyly, self-conscious of his puffy cheeks and red eyes, Sebastian quietly pulled a silk-handkerchief from a hidden pocket in his robes and offered it to the other man.

They both turned to look at Cullen and Dorian finally found the words, he had meant to say, ever since they day he had decided to meet Sebastian.

“Cullen is a lucky man. To be loved by a man like you.”

Sebastian smiled, blushed even, but shook his head in response.  
“Ye give me more credit than Ah deserve, Dorian.”

“Do I?”

“Ah am nay as virtuous as Ah may seem. Ah am selfish enough, nay to give him up, even when he has found so much happiness in his love fur ye.”  
So it would come to this in the end. Dorian had expected Sebastian to voice his ‘claim’ eventually, but it still managed to make him cringe.

“And Ah am greedy.”  
“Listen, I did not intend to take him from you. It was his decision to-”  
“Let me finish, Dorian.”  
Suddenly there was an authority in Sebastian’s voice, that seemed unbefitting for such a humble cleric. But when he turned, towards Dorian his smile was still gentle and warm.

“Ah’m greedy, Dorian. Lovin’ th’ Maker and Andraste should be enough fur me. But nay only do Ah love this unbelievably selfless puppy of a man, Ah’ve also fallen hopelessly in love with th’ man he has found fur himself here in Skyhold.”

The confession came so unexpected, that Dorian needed a few seconds to process it, an expression of speechless surprise on his features. When he had finally come to the realisation that he had not just misheard this, all he was capable of saying was: “How?”

That provoked an amused chuckle from the brother, his blue eyes twinkling mirthfully.

“Maker, if only Ah knew. At first Ah jist felt curious about ye. What kind of man is ‘at, that makes Cullen fall so hard fur him, he felt th’ need to ask me fur advice? Th’ more Ah learned about ye, th’ more Ah felt sympathetic about ye. And in th’ end readin’ both yours and his letters, made me feel all th’ love ye two are sharin’ so much, Ah couldnae help but fall in love with both of ye… _together_.”

After explaining himself, Sebastian looked somewhat shyly at Dorian, a hopeful question written clear as day in his eyes.

“Does ‘at make sense?”

It _did_. With a start Dorian realised just how much sense it made. How it explained his own feelings for this brother, whom he had only known from letters until now, so well. Laughing, surprised at the pleasant bubbly feeling in his chest, Dorian nodded.

“I do believe, I know _exactly_ what you are talking about, my friend.”

Sebastian opened his mouth to answer something, but was interrupted by soft sound coming from Cullen’s bed. Both men turned in unison, just to watch Cullen slowly rising from his deep slumber. His eyelids fluttered, as he groaned softly, probably feeling sore from having laid in bed for so long. When his gaze finally focused and he turned to look at the two men watching him hopefully, he mumbled sleepily: “Dorian? Sebastian? I must be dreaming. Maker, please don’t make me wake up.”

Dorian was in a daze of joy. He hardly noticed, how Sebastian left to call for a healer. He was just so glad, to have his - _their_ \- Cullen back, falling to his knees besides the bed, he pressed his lips against Cullen’s just relishing in the feeling of unaltered joy for a moment. A few minutes later the healers came in and Dorian was ushered out of the room, so that they could do their work. Outside Sebastian was waiting for him, his smile radiating like the beaming sun. Thex sat together waiting until the room was empty again and they could go back in and all the time, Sebastian held Dorian’s hand, gently brushing over the back with his thumb. A gentle, _caring_ gesture.


End file.
